Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
