She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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