I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
