I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
