He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize