I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
