I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
