Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
