Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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