I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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