Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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