Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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