I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
