i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
