Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
