My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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