someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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