I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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