he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
