Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
