Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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