I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
