You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
