Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
