His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
