like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
