You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
