Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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