what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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