Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
