Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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