My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
