i think my mom watched the whole time
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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