I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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