We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
