Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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