How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
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