and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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