epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
