I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
