So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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