why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
