The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize