my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
