Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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