Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
