The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
how does that bad decision feel?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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