dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
