I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
