I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
