you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
