Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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