She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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