Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
