can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
