Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
