I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
