one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
